A few months ago, I was in a situation where I felt completely stuck. Certain aspects of the workplace were bothering me deeply and I couldn’t find a way out. I was irritated, frustrated, and angry. During that time, I turned to a friend who is a coach to find a solution.
The objective of the discussion with my coach friend was to identify concrete actions to take to solve the unpleasant situation in which I found myself. I still remember how the beginning of the meeting turned into a constant whining, where I poured out all my grievances and blamed everyone else.
And my friend’s masterful question came: “What is the advantage of being stuck in this situation, Raluca?”
I widened my eyes. “Even you?” “Don’t you understand either? What do you mean what is the advantage? There is no advantage! Can’t you see that they are wrong? Can’t you see that I did the right thing, but they continue to wrong me?”
Lack of time is the chronic feeling of having too much to do and not enough time. It can happen to you once, or twice, but if you experience this feeling daily then the lack of time becomes chronic.
Throughout the ages, the greatest emphasis was placed on material well-being and less on the idea of having time, mainly because survival depended and still depended primarily on material resources.
For nothing I have time, if I have no money to be able to ensure my survival. And this way of thinking has been strongly imprinted in the collective consciousness. Increased material well-being has not automatically meant an abundance of the time we feel we have. On the contrary, lack of time in everyday work is often associated with signs of productivity, success, and status.
But she kept quiet and let me process. I thought for a few minutes. Inside, I didn’t want to act in any way, I just wanted to complain. But I knew that my frustration at work was growing and collaborating with others was becoming more and more difficult. At least for me. I was left in that state of dissatisfaction and it was not pleasant at all. That’s when I realized that staying stuck was an effective way to avoid any action. The action would have involved me communicating what was bothering me and confronting others. This meant entering into unsafe territory because I didn’t know how they would react. I preferred to stay in a safe place and not expose myself.
I told my coach friend: “I think what’s blocking me is that any action would mean something new to me, maybe they didn’t have any negative intentions, and I misunderstood the situation. And that shows that we have failed in the way of communication.”
The question “What is the advantage of being stuck?” it changed my perspective. It’s a question I use in various situations now with my clients. Here are some of these situations:
“What is the advantage of delaying starting this important project?”
The first answer was: “I don’t have time.” But, exploring the situation deeper, I discovered the client’s true thinking: “If I procrastinate and fail, I can blame the lack of time, not my lack of skills. That way, I avoid facing the possibility that I’m not good enough to complete this project, even if I’m trying my best.”
“What is the advantage of not asking for this promotion?”
The first response was, “I know I said I would, but I don’t think I do.” When I dug deeper, I discovered that the client was thinking, “If I don’t ask for a promotion, I won’t have to deal with possible rejection and the idea that I might not be as valued as I think I am.”
“What is the advantage of avoiding social situations?”
The first answer was: “I’m not a social person, I don’t like it and I find it tiring.” When I explored deeper I discovered that the client’s answer was: “I avoid social situations so that I don’t risk being judged and rejected by others. This way I protect myself from the possibility of feeling embarrassed. It’s much safer to stay isolated.”
“What’s the point of staying in a job you hate?”
The first answer was: “I don’t have time to look for anything else right now, I’m getting tasks upon tasks from my boss.” When I dug deeper I found the answer was, “When I stay at this job, I don’t have to face the fear and uncertainty of looking elsewhere and possibly not finding something better. And also to find that I don’t have all the necessary qualifications to make a change.”
Sound familiar?
I challenge you too to explore where you are holding yourself back. What are those ideas that you reject from the start saying that you don’t have time, that it’s not for you, that you don’t like it?
In life design, an important step is to start from where you are and find out what is blocking you. Choose a situation or problem you are facing right now. Take a few minutes and answer these 5 life design coaching questions:
- What is the advantage of being stuck in this situation/problem?
- If I’m being honest with myself, what is keeping me at this point where I feel stuck? (e.g. feeling: fear, dread, shame, injustice)
- What would happen to me if I stopped believing in this blockage/problem?
- What would be a different way of looking at the situation/problem?
- If I accepted how I felt while seeing the situation/problem differently, how would the situation/problem change?
Give me a sign if, after this exercise, you begin to see things differently and if you begin to find, perhaps timidly at first, concrete actions to get you out of the jam.
With love, Raluca ❤️
