You are stuck, you feel trapped. You know you should make a change, but you don’t know what that change is or what you might do. It’s 3 am and you can’t sleep. You turn from one side to the other. You want something to happen to be better. But let it happen simply, without extra effort. And not because you don’t want to make an effort, but because you can’t. What you do is enough.
Eventually, you fall asleep. You wake up at 6-7 in the morning.
If you are a mother, the merry-go-round begins: you make breakfast, take your child or children to kindergarten or school, go to the office, you don’t even know when it is afternoon, pick up the children from kindergarten or school, go to the park, come back at home, you cook dinner, maybe help them with their homework, read to them at night before bed. And another day passed. You feel like you can’t do it anymore. I feel your anxiety, I’ve been here for many years.
If you are employed, every month’s salary makes you feel at ease. You wake up, go to the office, do the tasks you have to do, and at the end of the day you don’t have the energy to deal with what you’ve been dreaming about for years. Better a series on Netflix. Tomorrow is another day, but that’s what you say every day. I’ve been here for many years too.
If you’re a student or just finished college, you don’t want to hear about learning anymore, that’s all you’ve been doing for years. You learn and you learn again. Now you want a social life, you want to go to concerts with your friends and enjoy your youthful years to the fullest. You work and you want something more professional, but routine is good too, right?
Do you notice the similarities? You’ve gotten used to the life you’ve built. Why would you want to change anything now and maybe ruin what you have? Why would you want to make the extra effort? You don’t want to make a change because the way it is now isn’t that bad either.
And yet at night you wake up and you are enveloped by sadness, anxiety, and guilt: “Why can’t I?”. I’ve been there myself and there are times when I still feel it. The blockage. The blockage creates a state of unease, pressure, and sadness. You like your current life, but something seems to be missing. And you know what’s missing, but you can’t or don’t want to put in the extra effort to get that something.
I would like to tell you that I have the magic recipe: you screw up three times, find out what that missing piece of the puzzle is, and everything is solved like a miracle.
But I’m going to disappoint you. There is no magic recipe, and the miracle is you. It is within you that you find the power to find those minutes or hours to deal with what is troubling you at night. If you are a mother in a carousel of activities, how to find at least an hour to get to the gym to do sports, at least in the beginning? If you’re an employee and want to have the energy to tackle what you’ve been dreaming of for years, how about prioritizing it at the beginning of the day before you start your office work? If you’re a student or fresh out of college, how about seeing friends on certain days of the week and devoting the rest to professional development?
The changes are small, but any big change means a lot of resistance and the temptation to procrastinate or give up.
Feeling stuck? It’s ok, stay there. In the meantime I would like to tell you a little about life design, maybe it will help you see beyond the blockage.
- Look at your life as a classroom. Curiosity and openness to the world help you embrace the unknown and explore new possibilities. You feel stuck today, but ask questions, seek information, and be open to new things. Talk to the saleswoman at the store, look her in the eyes when you pay, say hello to your neighbors, ask how they are, talk to your colleagues, and listen to them. It is what is called “radical collaboration”, when you open up to the whole world, not just to the environment you are used to every day.
- Practice self-compassion, but not self-forgiveness. If someone badmouths you every day but asks for forgiveness right after, how does that make you feel? Aren’t you tired of this repeated cycle? Don’t be that toxic person in your life! Don’t confuse self-compassion with self-forgiveness. Give yourself a break when you feel stuck, but don’t make excuses to stay there. To overcome the blockage you need a strong mindset or you need help.
- Ask for help. I know, it’s hard to admit that you have a problem, that you have a blockage. And I have 100% confidence in you that you will succeed without asking for help. If you’re like me, you want to work things out yourself. For years I fought even if it was often difficult. But, the feeling I had when I started asking for help was incredible. It was like carrying heavy bags from behind. You stand up and look at the dice, with the bags on your back you only look down. And the perspectives that open up when you look into the dice are unsuspected. And you end up asking yourself: how come I didn’t know this sooner?
- Build your vision of your life. What does a good life mean to you? What is your purpose in this world? This is the point that has helped me the most in recent years. When you don’t have the answer to these questions and you haven’t built your vision, someone else has it for you and you will live someone else’s life. This is where the blockage can come from. What do you do when you feel different when the sufferings and obstacles you feel are not those around you? Because their compass is different than yours. It is not easy to find your way when those around you do not or cannot see your obstacles and sufferings, even if they try. When you understand how you are built in this world, and what your values and beliefs are, then you will find the mental strength to move forward, to overcome the blockage, to design your life. It doesn’t mean living alone, it means harmonizing with those around you, sharing your vision with them, and accepting their vision.
- Reverse the vision. If you still don’t know how to answer point 4, how about trying to answer the question: “What does the life you don’t want look like?”. What experiences do you want to avoid repeating? What do you want to stop learning? Why do you want to stop working? What kind of people do you want to stop interacting or collaborating with? Sometimes it’s much easier to identify what you don’t want in your life. You mark them as problems and start making changes.
- Find the balance. If you propose too big changes from the beginning, it is very possible to feel a lot of resistance and always leave it to tomorrow. Don’t set unrealistic expectations, because when you can’t make them happen, you’ll blame yourself. Start slow but steady. Don’t miss meeting you. It’s normal to have days when you feel like you could move mountains and days when you just want to sit and watch Netflix. Life is a dance between growth and acceptance, and the key is balance. When you start with small changes, it will be easier to get into this dance and at the same time stay consistent.
Do you want to stay stuck? It’s ok, stay there. If, instead, you want to make a choice now, be determined. Make the decision. Awareness is the first medicine. The second drug is action.
If you can handle it on your own, that’s great, go ahead. If you feel you need help, look around. Someone, with whom you resonate, is surely there and can lend you a hand. Help or support.
