I think that you also happen to do many things every day. And not only that. If something unexpected comes up, you need to feel in control and thus end up doing more than you planned. And it doesn’t just happen in one day, two, three. You do this for days. At first, you think it’s ok, but at some point, you end up breaking down.
You get frustrated and lash out. Most likely in a context where everyone else is relaxed.
I am surrounded by women in their 40s with children older or younger, with different choices, some chose to stay with the children and make it a priority, while others quickly returned to their jobs, because- they wanted to further build their careers.
However, it seems that time is not enough regardless of which category each belongs to. That’s because most want to be in absolute control and do everything, often with the idea that only they know what’s best and how it’s best.
Sooner or later they burn out and inevitably reach the moment of maximum frustration. I recently read a book by Tiffany Dufu “Drop the ball”. A literal translation would be “to drop the ball”, but I associate this “Drop the ball” with the idea of letting go of the reins.
I like Tiffany Dufu’s interpretation of the phrase “drop the ball”.
If in the dictionary “drop the ball” means “to make a mistake if timely, effective or appropriate action is not taken.”
Tiffany Dufu’s interpretation is to “let go of unrealistic expectations of doing everything, and to engage those around us in realizing what matters to us so that we transform relationships and enrich our lives.”
About 3 years ago, I took on a new role at the office. At the same time, I was body and soul with my child who was in the 5th grade, trying to help him adapt to the new stage in his life. I felt overwhelmed by all the changes responsibilities, demands, and needs thrust upon me.
I clearly remember being in a meeting with colleagues, discussing the results of the sprint, which were not exactly favorable. I felt constant pressure in all aspects of my life, both at home and at work. At that point, we succumbed to intense stress and high expectations, including from customers who were counting on us to deliver functionality on time. I left the session before it was over feeling angry, tired, and extremely stressed.
I had to calm down and start looking at the available solutions. Meanwhile, the tech lead came to me and asked me what the delivery deadline was, saying that he wanted to take over the technical coordination of that task. In my mind, all I could think was, “But I have to take care of it myself, keep up with everything that’s going on, organize everything.” I was completely surprised that I was being offered another option.
In the end, we had the delivery ready, albeit two days late, but the customer was really happy.
My conclusion was that in a moment of maximum overwhelm I had to let go of the reins.
Since then, I’ve been discovering new and new ways to let go of the reins through conscious actions, so I’ve become more relaxed, and I’ve made time to learn new things. Here are 4 of them
1. Ask how urgent something is.
Many times we are tempted to consider that everything that comes up on the table is urgent and that there is no possibility of negotiation in terms of time. We don’t spend a moment wondering if we need to do it now or if we can postpone it. A simple question: “When is this needed?” or “How long do I have to do this?” can change the situation and take the pressure off.
2. Wait to respond to an email or message if you are in another activity.
Have you ever received a seemingly very important message but not seen it right away? And by the time you answer, find out it’s resolved? Sometimes when you take a little time to respond to the requests of those around you, you realize that your help is no longer needed.
3. Allow others to help you.
Whether it’s colleagues or family, ask for help and let others help you. Delegating is not an easy act when you like to be in absolute control. Asking for help, however, is not a sign of weakness, on the contrary, it is a sign of trust in those around you that they will be able to complete a task, regardless of whether they follow your path or not. And you may be able to discover new ways of doing things yourself.
4. Some things are non-negotiable.
To accomplish the things you set out to do, some things are non-negotiable.
You’ve been meaning to take a course, but all sorts of unforeseen things come up that you need to do. Because you want to take the course to the end, it’s time to ask those around you to take over those unforeseen things. And that is non-negotiable.
As you are already used to, I want to share with you some life design coaching questions to help you take control.
- This time, I invite you to understand your expectations through these questions. When you feel the intense need for control, answer these 5 questions, thinking in turn about your professional and personal life.
- What are the expectations that you always feel the need to meet? (e.g. maybe you can make a perfect report, without mistakes, maybe you lead all the meetings, maybe you only clean because no one else does it like you, etc.)
- Whose expectations are these? (e.g. yours, those around you)
- What are the standards you don’t deviate from in terms of your expectations? (e.g. from your perspective, the standard of cleanliness of those around you is not as high as yours, etc.)
In today’s life context, which of these standards are unrealistic?
How would you feel if you let go of these expectations?
Looking forward to writing me what you discovered.
Come to my Instagram profile: odyvu.ld
With love, Raluca ❤️
