I have to confess that for a long time I was a people pleaser, that is, I did things specifically to be recognized and appreciated. I have often fallen into the trap of wanting to help, only to get upset that others don’t appreciate my advice or what I do for them.
Later, I learned that this frustration came from the simple fact that when I did a good thing or helped someone, this drive did not come from an area of abundance, but from a desire for validation, to hear, “wow how many he can do as much as he knows.”
Over time, I learned my worth and became confident in who I am. I learned from the principles of life design that whatever I learn there is also unlearning. That’s how I’ve come to say “No” more forcefully, especially when the desire to help doesn’t come from a place of abundance, but from a place of seeking validation and acceptance.
The role of product manager helped me a lot because I needed to say “no” often. And just when I thought I was in a good spot, I realized it wasn’t quite like that. I recently had to say no to a client again. I say again because in the last 2-3 months I have said “no” to him in different contexts. Each time, I explained to him that his requirements do not respect the organization’s strategy, he, on the other hand, explained to me what the business impact is. And every time I left the discussions extremely charged, agitated, and frustrated. After the last talk, I took some time to analyze what was happening to me.
Although I said “no” and presented all the arguments as to why it couldn’t be done, a part of me continued to feel a lot of stress and frustration. I like to help people and solve the problems that customers face from a business point of view. I realized that, in the case of this client, I repeated the “no”s without doing anything to counterbalance the impression that I did not want to help him.
In other situations, after I refused, I always found a way to say “yes” to another topic, thus maintaining a balance and avoiding being perceived only as a “negative character”. After analyzing the situation, I was able to calm myself down by reminding myself that it was nothing personal, that I was not the villain, and that I was simply communicating the organization’s strategy. But here’s how the people pleaser in me made an appearance in a more sophisticated form.
As I said, in life design, every learning has an unlearning and to introduce new habits and behaviors, we need to embrace the unlearning.
3 questions from life design to help you understand if you are a people pleaser.
- Do you get frustrated that after you help someone, that person forgets to say thank you?
As I was saying, you can help from a zone of abundance, and you do so because you truly feel that it uplifts you spiritually. But if your inner dialogue is “Why did I help this person? He didn’t even say thank you.”, can be a sign that you want to please others.
Saying thank you is part of good manners, but if in addition to a simple observation you add feelings of frustration, it means that somewhere you are a people pleaser, seeking to be appreciated, loved, included, or accepted.
- Are you a person who gives a lot of advice, some perhaps unsolicited, thinking that in this way you are helping others?
It’s also a sign that you’re a people pleaser if you get frustrated that others don’t follow your advice. You seek either validation or control over others.
- Do you often complain that you do too much and get nothing in return?
It is possible to put everyone else’s needs before your own. And you don’t take the time to see what your needs are and what’s best for you. The tendency is to say yes to everything.
3 questions from life design coaching to help you if you are a people pleaser:
- What sacrifice to maintain the relationship?
- What makes you want to solve other people’s problems and less your own?
- What makes you want to take responsibility for other people?
Answer these questions to discover more deeply what is hidden behind the need to be a people pleaser.
Looking forward to writing me what you discovered.
Come to my Instagram profile: odyvu.ld
With love, Raluca ❤️
